Remembrance
by literallyliterati
Summary: Jess reflects on his life with Rory on a very important anniversary. One-shot.
A/N: I have sucked at writing anything lately, haven't I? I'm so sorry. I will try to get stuff posted, even if they end up just being one-shots as this is. This is also not in any way connected to Nine Years gone.

I went pretty sad this time. So read at your own risk.

Disclaimer : I own nothing.

Jess listened as the cries began. He sighed to himself, stood up and walked out of the bedroom and into the room across the hall. His bare feet padded down on the carpet as he reached the door.

Slowly, he pushed the door open and let the squeak sound out without a groan. Usually, he'd make a muttering sentence about the sound. But not today. Today was a different day.

The lights were off aside from a nightlight and Jess reached over to turn them on. He was surrounded by yellow and the shapes on the wall lit up even brighter than the bulb. A smile appeared on his face as he looked down at the source of the crying.

James' cries quieted as she saw her father approach. Jess scooped her up in his arms as held her close to this chest. "Hi there, baby."

She touched the sides of his face with her tiny hands. "Dada."

"That's me," he smiled at her as best as he could. He checked her diaper to see if she needed to be changed and when he knew she was fine, he brought her to the kitchen.

James shook her head to food but when Jess showed her her favorite, she smiled brightly. When she finished, he brought her back to her nursery and put her down in her crib. He stood over her and watched until he couldn't no more.

It was the blue in the baby's eyes that always managed to startle him. It was like he was looking at an old photograph or being shot into the past. Jess wasn't sure he would be able to look into them right now but he tried. He tried and was learning just how strong he wasn't.

He should have listened to Liz, he thought. A week ago, Liz had offered to come down and take the baby for a couple of days. At first, he replied with a strong, positive no. He didn't want to be away from James, especially not today of all days.

It happened a year ago, on this exact date. He remembered it was 2 am when his wife shook him awake to tell him her water had broken. They had grabbed her hospital bag and Jess rushed Rory to the hospital.

The labor was long, he recalled. Lorelai, Luke and Emily had arrived not long after the two of them had. They saw Rory for a brief moment before the doctors wheeled her away. Lorelai held her daughter's hand and with a smile said, "Break a leg, kiddo."

Rory had laughed at that and promised to do just that. Jess followed the doctors but took one last look at his wife's family - well his too if you consider his uncle - and waved to them before they disappeared from sight.

She held tightly onto her husband's hand as she pushed. Jess didn't show any sign of pain from her grip. He just let her hold on because he knew what she felt was much more than a squeezed hand.

Hours later, when baby James Lorelai Mariano had arrived, he felt relieved. Rory smiled in relief as well, excited to brought this little combination of her and Jess into the world. The doctor handed the baby to Jess as he showed his wife their little girl and that was when it happened.

First it was her hand. It had loosened its grip on his hand and Rory's head had moved to her shoulder as if she were falling asleep. The machine made different sounds, not the sounds for heartbeat and he wasn't exactly sure how to explain it.

The nurse took baby James from his arms and Jess asked what was going on. He took his wife's hand again but her fingers felt limp and didn't grab his in return. Another nurse began to push Jess out the door and followed behind the one who had escorted the newborn out.

He wasn't sure how long he had waited outside that door. Probably, he should have went to the waiting room and told Lorelai something was happening. That was what his head knew he should do. But his head wasn't being logical. Jess might have been outside the room but his mind and especially his heart was on the other side of that door.

A random nurse passed by and noticed him. "Are you supposed to be in here?"

"My wife -" he began but stopped. What did he say? She just had their first child but something had happened. He wasn't sure what it was, either, just that he was rushed out.

The nurse nodded in understanding and put her arm around him. "Let's go back to the waiting area. I'm sure there will be news soon."

Jess didn't respond. He numbly walked ahead and when he was spotted, everyone was out of their chairs. The nurse quickly went back the way they came just as Lorelai rushed to Jess. "How is she?"

"I don't know," he shook his head. "Our daughter was born but then something happened. They kicked me out of the room."

"What?" Lorelai exclaimed as Emily and Luke stood there speechless. "Something happened? Well, what happened?"

"No one is telling me anything," he said.

"Well, they have to tell me," she started walking forward. "She's my daughter. They have to tell me."

"Lorelai -" Luke started and she turned to her own husband. "Maybe we should wait."

"Wait," she sighed, not a question. "My daughter just had a baby and then they kick her husband out because of God knows why. So no, Luke. I will not wait."

Emily stepped forward this time. "I'm coming with you."

Lorelai nodded at her and they walked together towards a desk. Jess stood there rooted to the ground. He didn't know what to do. He saw Rory's head and hands go limp. He heard the machine. His mind raced through the worst possible scenarios but he refused to believe any of them.

Luke ushered Jess into a seat where he immediately stuck his head in his hands. Luke was at a loss for words. He watched his nephew curiously - he'd never seen him like this.

Jess moved his hands away from his face and turned to his uncle. "I think something's wrong."

"Like what?" Luke asked, afraid to consider what he meant.

He shook his head in response, unable to speak. Jess took a deep breath. "You didn't see her, Luke. Something's wrong."

"What did you see?" He asked. There had to be something wrong. Jess would never just call him by his name.

"Rory - she..." His voice faded and he clasped his eyelids down tight before he opened them again. "It was like she went limp. Like she couldn't move."

Luke didn't nod or shake his head. "But she's gonna be okay, right?"

"I don't know," Jess said. "I don't know anything. All I do know is my daughter was born and then something happened to my wife and I was ushered out of the room."

"Jess," his uncle said. "Lorelai and Emily will find someone with answers. And you know Lorelai. Emily is even more powerful. They'll find out what's going on."

"What if I'm afraid of what I'll find out?" Jess asked and that was Luke realized how red his eyes had gotten. Jess was crying.

Not long after that, a doctor had come by, beside Lorelai and Emily. It was obvious they didn't know anything yet. The doctor told them in a low, sad voice about Rory was gone. Jess didn't hear much else. He saw lorelai collapse and his uncle held her as she cried. Emily sat down far away from them and buried her face in her hands.

Jess' mind raced through everything. The first time he saw Rory, millions of conversations about books or movies, the bridge, the couch in the apartment above the diner.

He thought of that first kiss, how she made the first move. Her mouth had molded to his perfectly and he remembered thinking his lips belonged to her.

There was other memories too. He thought of dance marathons and bid a basket conpetions. Winter carnivals and bracebridge dinner. He thought of falling in love with this girl before he knew she felt it back.

He'll never get over how Rory looked on the bus that morning. He thought of coming to her dorm or telling her he loved her. A book called The Subsect and Truncheon open house. The blonde dick from yale and yelling outside a bar about what's going on.

Finally, his thoughts rested on the final coming together. Two years after that open house. Rory walked in the door and he was seventeen again. They talked all night into the morning and had breakfast together.

Slowly, they rebuilt their relationship. First with texts and phone calls then with visits. Jess wasn't even surprised when Rory had kissed him. The first night they spent together, he recalled as one of the most important nights of his life. His real first time, the first time the physical act of love meant just that.

When he proposed, Rory had thought it was a joke. It was after some stupid halloween party and they fought about some stupid thing he couldn't even remember anymore. She laughed and he told her he was serious, she should marry him.

She finally realized that he meant it and kissed him without any breath. They'd made love all night, right on the floor of his apartment. Rory had gotten up for snacks and coffee at some point and Jess laughed at that. She asked if they were really engaged and he said she never said the answer. With another kiss, she whispered yes.

The wedding was small. It was close friends and family who came. Rory invited her family, even Christopher came. Lane and her family had been there along with Paris, Chris and Matt. Jess was surprised when Liz, TJ and doula appeared. Jimmy had even come and brought along the extended family. It had been perfect.

When Rory found out she was pregnant, she was ecstatic. Jess was scared at first that he'd be like his father, or worse, his mother. She reassured him he'd be an amazing father just like he was an amazing husband and man. He set up the baby's room and they counted down until her due date.

But all that thought brought Jess fully back to the present. Where he didn't want to be. His world since losing Rory was unbearable to say the least. He missed her every second of every day of every week. Everytime he looked into his daughter's eyes, Jess saw his wife and it brought a new wave of emotions.

He walked out of her room quietly and shut the door behind him. He hadn't even realized he had begun to cry until he was out of the room. Jess headed for the hall closet, for the items he dare not touch or even look at. Right now, he didn't care. He had to see her.

There was vhs tapes of them. There was more dvds of them once her mother had learned to transfer vhs to dvd. He grabbed their wedding dvd and popped it into the player.

Rory smiled brightly on the screen before him. It was in the middle of the vows and he watched her intently as she promised to love him forever. She thanked him for waking her up when she needed it the most and for always being on her side even when she wasn't on his.

The Jess on the screen laughed at that but the Jess on the couch clenched his teeth together in an urge not to spill more tears.

He listened to his own vows and watched Rory's red eyes light up with happiness. When they were announced husband and wife, he dipped her in a kiss so old-fashioned, Taylor Doose would approve. He watched the Rory and Jess on the screen at the reception. He watched them whisper and slow dance and feed each other cake.

By the end of the video, the tears had become an ocean. Jess shut it off and put the dvd back into the closet. He pulled out a photo album Rory had made when they'd gotten back together in 2008. There was silly pictures and happy pictures. It had everything. Most of all, it had Rory.

"Damn it," he wiped at his eyes.

Jess slammed the book shut quietly and out that away too. He shook his head. He didn't like to do this, to be this. But he figured it was better than the alternative. It was better than not seeing her at all.

The phone rang and shook him out of his thoughts. Jess looked at the clock and saw it was a little past midnight. He went over to the phone, feeling like he already knew who was on the other end.

"Lorelai?" He said once he picked it up.

"Its me," a sniffling Lorelai said on the other end.

"Can't sleep either?" He asked.

"No," she said. "I tried. Luke tried to get me relaxed enough to sleep. But everytime I closed my eyes, I was back in that hospital."

"Me, too," he agreed.

"I started going through her baby album," Lorelai confessed. "But looking at her face, so young, before..."

He let her voice trail off before he replied. "I know."

"Sometimes I think you're the only one who does," she said.

"Not even Luke or your mom?" He wondered.

"They do," she said. "But its not the same, you know? She was my baby, Jess. She was my baby and now she's...she's not here and I really want her here."

He was silent. He wanted to agree. There was nothing he wanted more than to have her back. Sometimes, when his thoughts turned really dark, he thought about how he'd trade anything for Rory, even James then he wallowed into a hole of guilt for even thinking it.

"Jess?" She sniffed. "Are you still there?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm still here."

"Okay," Lorelai said. He could tell she was clenching her own teeth to try to hold in tears.

He needed to say something to make her feel less alone. It could be anything. He went for the truth. "I rewatched the wedding video."

"It was a beautiful wedding," she mused with another sniff. "She was a beautiful bride."

"The most beautiful," he whispered mostly to himself.

"She was," Lorelai agreed. "Do you know what she told me the night before you two married?"

"No," Jess shook his head.

"She told me you were the love of her life," she sniffed again. "That she always had a hard time imagining life without you and whenever you were separated, she tried to focus on everything but you because she missed you."

"I missed her too," he said. "I miss her like hell now."

"Me, too," she said.

"Lorelai?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think about maybe, you and me, we go down to see her today?" He asked.

He could almost hear the small smile. "I think that'd be really nice."

They made plans to meet up and leave James with her grandmother. Luke probably wouldn't like that they were going alone, he'd want to come too but he knew it was something they needed. But he had loved Rory like a daughter so they ended up inviting him as well when Jess arrived in Stars Hollow.

Together, they went to the cemetery. Lorelai laid flowers down on her daughter's grave, _Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, October 8 1984 - March 17 2012_. She held her head high and touched the stone, her fingers trailed her daughter's name.

Jess asked for a moment alone after she laid the flowers. Both adults had nodded as Luke wrapped his arm around his own wife and walked away with her. They stayed nearby but gave him enough space to say whatever he needed.

Jess kneeled down in front if the gravestone. _Loving daughter, friend, and wife_ stared at him. Once again, he clutched his lips together and the tears fell silently from his eyes.

"I don't really know what to say," he started with a sniff of his own. "I mean, you probably know how it is here, right? I don't need to tell you how much I miss you."

"It feels wrong," he continued. "It feels wrong to raise our daughter without you and to be here every single day, not being with you. I thought this was over. The life without you and missing you. I thought it was in the past."

He sighed. "We were gonna have a whole life, weren't we, Ror? We were gonna have a little boy. Remember you said you wanted a mini version of me. I wanted a mini you. I got my wish but I didn't at the same time. You were supposed to be here, Rory. You weren't supposed to leave."

"I watched our wedding video," he half-smiled. "You were so beautiful. I felt like the luckiest man alive. I still do sometimes, when I think of how you loved me. Loved. God, I hate that word. Its past tense. As if you being gone means the love is. It'll never be gone, Rory, not even after my own last breath."

He sniffed again and wiped at his face. His hand came away wet and he wiped it on his pants then continued. "You should see James, Ror. She looks so much like you. You would have been an amazing mom. I can see so much of you in her. It makes it harder and easier at the same time."

"I love you," he said. "I'll always love you. Being without you is hell but I'll do it for you. For James. I know that I have to be here for her and I promised you long before we had anyone but us to think about that that I'd take care of whatever children we had. And I'll keep that promise, Rory. Always."

Jess stood up and kissed the tips of his fingers before laying it onto the top of the gravestone. He took one last glance at her name, a silent reminder of who he lost, and of the last day he saw her. With another wipe of his eyes, the tears were again cleaned and he walked back to where his family awaited.


End file.
